This is the end.

(Please note Chris, I had wanted this post to have a post date of November 10, but I just realised that you can’t post in the future. So, just pretend that its two months forward)

I was planning to delete this blog, but I couldnt bring myself to it. It represents so much for me, what I used to be and what I have become.

In therapy we were told to remove everything from our lives that would remind us of how we used to be – they could act as triggers..

Its been nearly two months, but I remember it all so clearly.

I had sessions with 4 other people. They had similar obsessions to me – cleaning, washing their hands, checking things were locked. One girl had an obsession with brushing her hair a set number of times, a set number of times a day. She had gotten so bad that she had basically brushed all her hair out and had these weird clumps all over her head when she was in treatmnet. I felt bad for her. Then again, I’m sure she felt bad for me as my hands were bright read and covered in blisters and cuts. Our doctor, Sandy Grimshaw, was nice, but blunt. She really wouldn’t take any crap from anyone, which I kinda liked. I like honest people like that who don’t sugar coat things to make you feel better about what you are doing and what you have become.

Anyway, we were taught to confront our irrational fears and challenge ourselves by not doing them everyday. It was hard. Really hard. At least we were in the clinic so I didn’t have to deal with being in my room at home. That’s when it was the hardest. The hardest thing for me to stop was the sorting and cleaning and making sure that I didn’t contaminate anyone. We had one-on-one sessions with counselors and I found those the most helpful. My lady was this really nice younger woman, Betty Wousley, but she liked people to call her Bet for some weird reason. She was really hip and cool and had pictures of bands and stuff in her office. I really liked her. She helped me come to terms with my grandma’s death and when I look back on it now, I feel like a different person. I realise now that it WAS irrational of me to think that I could have killed someone by simply touching them. I realise now that thats insane. Thats how crazy people talk, and I didn’t think I was a crazy person… but i was! Isn’t that like a bit weird, I was crazy.

See I don’t know if I can joke about it yet, I think its too soon because sometimes I still have flashbacks and everyday is still a battle to ignore that voice in my head that tells me to repeat things and to wash my hands for that little bit longer. Actually, I don’t think I was crazy. I think thats too hard of a word.. I was damaged? Confused? All of those seem to fit better than crazy. Crazy puts a comical tone to it, and it was anything but comical. No part of it was fun.

I used to think that having such control over everything I did in my life and everything I came in contact with was fun and made me such a powerful person. I think that is crazy. Actually crazy! I realise now (obviously with the help of Bet and Sandy) that those thoughts were the thoughts of a weak person, not a strong one. I see now that I was having trouble dealing with my grief and my anxiety of being independent and losing Claire as a friend and my brain found a way for me to control something in my life. I realise now that I can’t control everything, no one can, and its crazy to think that by having such a strong control and routine over one part of your life you can fix the rest. That is crazy. No joke, no comical undertone – thats simply crazy.

When I was sent away, Claire told me she would look after my room if I promised I’d be back. I promised her I would, and I am now, and she did fix my room. Its amazing how much she did for me. I really do love her for it. It was so hard being away from her for 2 months, I think she missed me too. Now that I’m back all she wants to do is hang out and watch movies and eat popcorn and make milkshakes late at night… and you know what, thats all I want to do as well! That was my dream – to just be normal, and now I’ve reached it!!

Ok, back to the room, she painted over all the walls which used to be bright white, but then I ruined them and wrote all over them. So she repainted them in this really nice cream colour and then put in a dark purple feature wall which is just totally the best! Its the nicest colour I have ever seen and it makes my room feel so regal and elegant. And she drew these pictures for me and hung them over my bed – they are cartoon versions of my parents in this photo from the 60s when they had just meet, and its so they can watch over me and be with me all the time. I don’t have to worry about being away from them, because I’ll always have them watching over me. And I realise now I really can just give them a call! Claire also put in this weird birdcage on the side, I’m not too hot about it now, but I don’t want to take it down because it reminds me just how much effort she put into making me feel better and bringing me into this new life and new Eve. I took a picture of it so you can see how great it looks!!

I’m still contemplating whether or not I should delete this blog. I don’t know if its a good thing to have anymore. For the time being though I think I will keep it. I don’t know who out there reads it, but I think I want to have it here just in case. Just in case someone who was like me and didn’t think anything of their obsessive behaviour stumbles across it. I want it to be a lesson and a learning curve for them not to let themselves get to my stage.. Not to let the illness control their lives. Its not worth it. Sandy (in her blunt ways) told me that it was pure luck that Claire’s friend stumbled across my blog while doing research on palandromic names. It was pure luck that Claire checked it that night when I hadn’t come out of my room. It was pure luck that I had posted about what I was doing. See I had trouble thinking it was luck, but it was. None of that was fate or any of that “shit” as Sandy so eloquently stated. If it wasn’t for luck, I would probably be dead. My illness would not have let me leave my room and I would have died slowly from lack or water, or more likely I would have killed myself. This part scares me the most. I told her that I wasn’t really thinking of killing myself, I was just trying to keep other people alive. But Sandy, in her blunt ways told me that she had heard the stories and even tried to help many many people like me who had no original intention of killing themselves, but when push comes to shove and you lock yourself away in a room and attempt to make everything perfect, and there are voices in your head telling you to do a hundred different things, sometimes killing yourself is the only way out.

I don’t know if thats too brutal and confronting to talk about on a public blog, but whatever. Its the truth.

But you know what, I didnt end up like the people that Sandy and Bet had tried to help. I succeeded and I have been home for about a week now and you should see my room! There are clothes everywhere and different colours are touching and the pantry is a mess and the kitchen is a mess and I’m always hugging Claire and rubbing my hands in her face to prove to her that I’m getting there. I’m facing my battles and you know what, I’m going to win.

I’m already winning.

Actually scrap that, I’ve already won.

Everything is happening so fast

EVERYTHING IS HAPPENING SO FAST

I NEED HELP

MY HANDS ARE BLEEDING. I’VE BEEN RUBBING THEM TO GET ALL THE DIRT OFF AND NOW THEY ARE RED, RAW, BLEEDING. I WAS JUST TRYING TO GET OFF THE TOXIC GERMS THAT KILLED MY GRANDMOTHER AND THAT TURNED CLAIRE AGAINST ME AND MAKE ME ALWAYS NEED TO CLEAN AND NOW I’VE RUINED THEM.

I DON’T WANT TO FEEL LIKE THIS ANYMORE.

I DON’T WANT TO BE AFRAID OF TOUCHING THINGS.

I DON’T WANT TO LOCK MYSELF AWAY IN MY ROOM FOR 2 DAYS WITH NO SLEEP OR FOOD BECAUSE I’M SCARED OF WHATS OUTSIDE THE CLEAN BUBBLE I HAVE CREATED.

I DON’T WANT TO STOP DOING THE THINGS THAT I USED TO LOVE.

I DON’T WANT TO HIDE IN MY ROOM ANYMORE.

I DON’T WANT TO CLEAN EVERYTHING.

I JUST REALLY WANT TO BE HAPPY. AND NORMAL. AND THE WAY I USED TO BE. THE OLD EVE. THE NORMAL EVE. THE EVE THAT WAS CLAIRE’S FRIEND, WHO WOULD HAVE LITTLE WEIRD OBSESSIONS WITH THE WAY THINGS WERE, BUT COULD STILL CHILL OUT AND WATCH MOVIES, AND EAT POPCORN, AND SLEEP LATE, AND MAKE MILKSHAKES AT 2 IN THE MORNING. AND RELAX. I JUST WANT TO RELAX.

I’M GOING TO GET HELP. I WILL. I WILL GET HELP. I’M GOING TO STOP.

I’M GOING TO GET HELP.

I haven’t slept

I’m typing really slowly. I don’t want to make any noise to disturb Claire, and I have to wipe my hands on a towel after every letter because I’m afraid that I will catch the dirty germs that I have left on the keys.

I haven’t slept yet. I’m scared to sleep because things in my room aren’t right and aren’t clean and Claire will come in and see the mess and make me leave. I don’t want to leave. I want everything to be perfect.

I found a book that I used to read as a kid in my cupboard. I used to love it. I tried to read it, but I couldn’t do it now. I can’t stand the way it is set out, the pages aren’t balanced and the words are ordered properly. So I re-wrote it. And took a photo. Actually two photos.

This is the book. This was the book.

I had to rip it up. I couldn’t deal with it being in my room. It reminded me of being young and carefree  and not concerned with everything and whether or not it is balanced and right.

My room looks so small with writing all over the walls.

I’m so lost

I heard something

I heard Claire on the phone this morning when I was cleaning my room. I think she thought I was outside because she was talking pretty loudly. Or maybe she wanted me to hear her..

She must have been on the phone to her Mum. They were talking about our place and I suppose her mum asked her how everything is going. It was then I heard something that I really didnt want to hear.

Claire wants to ask me to move out.

She said that she can’t get any sleep because she can hear me making noises throughout the night and early in the morning and she doesnt enjoy living with me anymore. She said it isnt like it used to be, where my habits were annoying, but they didnt interfere with her life. She could still do her everyday things without worrying about mess or without me cleaning up after her and putting her things away without asking her. She said that she wanted me to get help because she doesnt want to see her friend deteriorate in front of her eyes.

I dont know what her Mum said to that, but I sat in the corner of my room with my fingers in my ears for what seemed like hours. When I took them out, Claire was off the phone.

I haven’t left my room all day. Its now nighttime. I don’t want to go out because I dont want Claire to ask me to leave. That would be the worst thing that could happen. I need Claire.

I’ve already scrubbed the floors of my room today but I can see they are still dirty, so I’m going to do them again. I really want to wash myself because I feel so dirty for hearing Claire’s conversation, but I dont want to go out there. I think I’ll just use some cleaning product on my body as well. If it can get dirt out of the floor, then it can get dirt out of my body.

New Day Plan

I have to change my old daily routine because something in it wasn’t right and was putting my days off and hurting the people around me who I loved.

5:45am – Wake up. Brush teeth straight after waking for 3 minutes. You have to clean all of the germs off that have built up over night and you could breathe onto other people and make them sick

5:50am – Shower. Take as long as you need to scrub all of the dirt off your face, body and hands. Particularily hands because you use them the most throughout the day and touch most things with them and therefore they are covered with disgusting germs that can hurt people. You don’t want to touch people with dirty hands, because that could mean that they become sick and die.

6:15am – Clean bedroom. You can’t begin to get dressed without cleaning your room and making sure that everything is in the right position, where its meant to be. If you start getting ready and preparing your day you’ll be affected by the disarray that your room is in. Cleaning bedroom involves vacuuming the floors every morning, wiping the covers of every single one of your books and table tops, re-folding clothes etc.

7:45am – Get dressed. You have to make sure that your clothes match and don’t clash with one another, because if they do you will be surrounded by negative energy that you can then spread to other people. And if someone else catches that negative energy they’ll get sick. You have to make sure that you are wearing the right colour for the type of day that is coming. It’s hard, but worth it.

8:30am – Breakfast. Don’t ever eat left over’s for breakfast. They aren’t that nice and full of germs and chemicals that have been growing overnight and if you eat them they become part of your body and in essence, you become toxic. Safe to stick to clean white foods – white bread (not toast), rice bubbles with milk, porrige.

8:50am – Get ready to leave. This entails getting bag, which is usually packed as you have to pack it before you go to bed, and making sure that everything is properly locked and sealed in your room. It takes a while, but if you don’t recheck everything 3 times something may not be right and will set your whole room off balance. Its really not a risk worth taking.

Throughout the morning, you have to apologise and pray to Grandma.

My night routine is slightly different. I can’t have a middle of the day routine because I don’t know what will happen to me outside and I can’t control it. It scares me actually. I’ve started skipping more and more classes because I’m afraid to go outside in fear of something I might catch from someone else and make people around me sick. I usually get home around 6.

6:00pm – Shower. It is best to shower as soon as you get home – that way there is no time for the germs that you have collected during the day to spread to anyone or anything else around the house. Same shower procedure as the morning.

6:30pm – Unpack bag and repack for the morning. During this time, you have to wipe down all of your books and pens before placing them on the desk as you want to ensure that they don’t have any germs or negative energy that could spread to the rest of your things. Its safer to pack your bag for the next today right now because that way you know that they are clean and safe when you grab them in the morning. Obviously before putting them in the bag, wipe them down.

6:50pm – Wash clothes. Take all of the clothes that you wore today and hand wash them, paying special attention to the areas that have collected the most outside attention, such as the sleeves. Scrub them clean and then rinse, and then repeat. After washing every item of clothing, put them in the clothes drier. Hanging them on the line is too risky, you never know what kind of bugs or insects or animals could contaiminate them. Make sure that you stay in the same room or the next room as the drier, to make sure that no one has the chance to open it and let toxins in.

7:50am – Dinner. Claire will usually cook something, but you can’t eat that. You don’t know what could be in it that she might have accidently slipped in. Cook up some Maggi 2 minute noodles (without the flavour), or plain pasta, or white bread. Anything that is white is safe. Its usually better to eat in your room and not in the company of Claire. The food that she is eating could contaiminate yours.

8:20pm – Homework (if you have any). During this time, its a good opportunity to re-wipe any books that you think may have been over-exposed to outside germs and toxins.

9:15pm – Bed. Before getting in to bed however you have to check that all of the corners of the sheets are tucked in and the doona is the same length of either side of the bed. This is very important, as if the doona is unequal negative energy could enter you in the night. Before going to be as well, make sure that your room is tidy and you have to make sure that the door and all of the cupboards and draws are closed properly and firmly, and that chairs are tucked under the desk properly and that the books are all in neat colour co-ordinated piles.

This plan is much better. Hopefully this is mean that no one around me whom I love will be hurt by the way I live my life and the toxins that I was previously carrying out and infecting everyone with.

I went to Melbourne

So, my grandma lives in Melbourne. She’s lived there for ages and ages and I hardly ever see her because I’m not really fond of flying that much because I hate not knowing what is going on and not being able to control anything to do with it.. So basically, when my mother called me and told me that grandma had been taken to hospital for lung cancer (that she has known about for a year, but forgot to mention it to anyone in the family because she is insane) I freaked out a little bit.

Claire tried to comfort me, but in all honesty I didn’t know what I was freaked out by. Was it the fact that my grandma who I love and I miss and is really funny and seems to understand me was dying?  Was it the fact that this meant I had no choice but to board a plan to Melbourne in the morning to go and see her? Was it the fact that I had to go to Melbourne and stay in a room in a hotel which I don’t know and I’ve never seen before and be in another city with people who may have any huge number or diseases and virus’s that I could catch and die?

It was around 6:43pm when Mum called me. I then spent about 12 minutes with Claire on the couch, and I thought I felt ok. Claire said that I could borrow her camera for the weekend and take some photos so that I would be able to focus my attention on something else and not my dying grandma. But I don’t think that was what was freaking me out the most, and I know, that makes me a horrible horrible granddaughter. But, seriously the more I started thinking about going to another city and being around people who breath different air and eat different food, made in different places and sitting on chairs and touching handrails that have been touched by people who breath air that is different to Sydney really started to eat at my brain. Just talking on the phone to my Mum about Melbourne made me feel dirty.

When Claire got up to go to the bathroom I locked myself in my room and started to pack a bag to take. I didn’t leave my room until I finished. I couldn’t decide what colours of clothes to take and which clothes to take. I think I packed and re packed my bag about 15 times, no actually it would have been 14 or 16 because 15 is an odd number, and I just wouldnt have done something an odd amount of times. I decided to take all black clothes because of the death theme, but then I thought maybe that is jinxing it and maybe by wearing black clothes I will make my grandma die. So then I packed all orange clothes, but then I discovered I only have 7 pieces of orange clothes and I couldnt take an odd number. So then I thought about taking blue clothes because that is the colour of peace and stuff, but then I started packing and I couldnt decide which tone of blue to take because I have alot of different versions and I don’t want to have the different tones touching in my bag, because that could be bad.

This went on for, I think, about 3 hours. I finally decided on taking the black clothes because they are all one tone and if I took any other colour of clothes then the tones would be different and they would be forced to touch. See I dont have that problem in my cupboard because every tone and colour has its own shelf and place to stay so that they dont contaiminate the other clothes. Its complicated.

When I came out, Claire was writing in a book that she wouldnt show me. I saw inside the book were those photos of stuff I had done that she had taken with her camera and that I found. I tried to ask her about it, but she brushed me off.

I didn’t really sleep much that night because I had to have a shower and then re-wash my hair and my hands and my face so that I wouldnt be bringing too much of Sydney air and Sydney-aura to Melbourne with me, because that could be dangerous. I have a really big bottle of Aquim, that stuff that you can dry-wash your hands with, so I was able to keep my hands clean in bed and dry-wash them after everything I touched.

My Mum picked me up in the morning and took me to the airport. I don’t really want to talk about the plane ride because Mum gave me a sleepingpill so that I wouldnt freak out too much and just go to sleep. I guess it kinda worked because I don’t remember much from the plane ride.

We got to Melbourne and went straight to the hospital. I actually really liked it there, everything smelt clean and safe and kinda like Aquim. I took a photo of the hallway where Grandma’s room was, I don’t really like looking at it anymore, but I’ll put it up anyway.

When I saw grandma lying in the bed, hooked up to the breathing ventilator I thought she would be ok. That they had a machine doing the breathing for her just to be safe. I didn’t want to touch her because I would contaminate her with the germs that I could have brought with me from Sydney and I would breath on her the air that she wasn’t used to breathing, the air that was different and could hurt her, but she pulled me in so that she could hug and kiss me. I really wish I hadnt have done that.

We left the hospital and I went to Federation Square to take some photos. Claire was right, it did take my mind off everything. I really liked it, everything is so straight and ordered and neat. It looks a bit ugly, but its ok because of the way it is built and the order and thought process that has gone into it. Here’s my favourite one, I’ll add the rest to Flickr.

I like how clean it looks. How it looks like its cutting the sky in a perfect straight line.

After I went back to the hospital to see grandma. I was wearing the black clothes that I had brought, because I went to the hotel and got changed so that I wouldn’t have too many Sydney things attached to me through my clothes. And so that when we left, I would still have something that was Sydney to wear.

Grandma was sleeping when Mum and I arrived, so we left her.

The hospital called about 2 hours later. Grandma had died.

It was because I wore black clothes and jinxed it.

It was because I breathed Sydney air onto her and her lung didnt know how to handle it because it was different.

It was because I touched her and contaminated her skin with Sydney germs that I had brought with me.

This is funny – and I want one!

Written in Lecture

So I’ve been cleaning

I spent yesterday cleaning up the place. Most of it wasnt even my mess which is so irritating! Well, actually thats a lie. I infact enjoy cleaning. And even if its not my mess, as long as the end result is a clean and germ free area for everyone to enjoy, then I’m happy.

I started in the kitchen. The microwave needed a wipedown, since the last time I did it was 2 days ago, and thats verging on revolting. So I wiped that down 3 times (thats the amount of times it takes to kill all the germs) with my special cleaning solution. I made it myself, its so much better than all the ones of the shelf. I would write down the ingredients here, but I dont know, its kind of special to me and its kind of a secret, so maybe another time. After that I went into the fridge and I sorted all the stuff in there. I hate it when there are things that unopened next to things that have been opened, its really annoying and the germs can spread from one thing to another and then you will have like a germ colony living in the fridge that can get into unopened thing and basically everything in the fridge will be contaiminated. So I sorted it top to bottom, opened to unopened. And I took all the shelves out and wiped them 3 times so they were clean as well. I just hate the thought of germs being in my fridge and all over the food I put into my body. It makes e feel really dirty. Claire doesnt really care about that kind of stuff. She leaves food out and then comes home and finishes it, even though its been out in the air breeding who knows what all day. She’s kinda gross like that. I love her, but I dont even want to know what is in her body. Yuck. I then went into the pantry and cleaned out all of the jars that things were in and if they werent in a container I put it in a container. I have alot of spare containers around the place so there is never a shortage. I just prefer things to be in air-tight places, free of germs.

From there I wiped all the benches and tables and everything in the kitchen 3 times and by the time I left, I think about 2 hours later, it looked amazing!

From there I went into Claire’s room. I don’t think she minds when I clean it up a bit for her. Its so messy all the time, and she doesnt really have the time to clean it, so I’m more than happy to do it for her. I would have cleaned my room, but I do that every morning and before I go to bed anyway, so everything has been wiped and ordered and there wasnt really anything to do in there. I could have mopped the floors, but thats every 3 days, and I did it 2 days ago. Thinking about it, I suppose this is why I always have trouble finishing my uni work. I really just dont have time. There is so much to do at home and so much to clean and keep ordered, so its understandable that I have trouble keeping on top of my work. I’ve tried explaining this to the tutors but they think that its no excuse. What do they know anyway. This is more important that handing in stupid essays on boring topics that will never help me in life anyway. Whatever that is I want to do in life.. Thats a WHOLE other topic.

In Claire’s room, she has this huge bookshelf that she just doesn’t keep in any kind of order. There are books and crap everywhere. So I sorted it into colour order and I put the book that she is reading at the moment in the centre of the bookshelf. It looked so nice and neat and clean. I’m sure Claire will like it.

I changed

So, I changed the design of this blog. I liked the plain white one, but I started to get a bit anxious looking at it because there were no boundaries and no solid break up line of where one bit began and the other one ended. I really started to hate it.

Thats a screen shot of it. Ugly huh? Ugly and disorganised. Ugly and distressing.

So, this is the new one – I like it. I like that there are borders that seperate the different areas, and that there is a banner at the top that kinda opens up the whole blog. I like things like that. Things like kinda introduce things so its not like a ‘BLAH HERE IT IS’

The picture I chose as the banner was one Claire took the other week and I found on her camera when I was cleaning it. I’m guessing she took it when I left my room after organising my crayons. I have alot of crayons – they’re fun and remind me of being little. Anyway, yeah I had them out on my desk and they got all messed so I spent just a couple of minutes organising them again in colour order. Ok well I mean it was a little more than a couple of minutes.. it was like… 90 minutes or so. But I mean I have alot of crayons and it took me a long time because everything had to be in order! Claire took it as a photo as some kind of evidence for some stupid ‘Eve is weird’ file she is making that she won’t show me. Its stupid, she’s trying to get me to see something about my personality, but really i think she is just bored and procrastinating. But yeah, off the topic. I like the picture in the headline, and I thought the catchphrase under the title was clever. And I mean this blog will be organised, so its accurate.

I’ve been looking at the previous post about the Friend quiz and its been really annoying me, its just not neat enough! The pictures are all different sizes and alligned weirdly, but I dont know how to fix it.. Grrrr its going to drive me CRAZY!